Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Reflecting on the journey...
My good friend Lee has posted a Wellness Wednesday post over at her blog Lemons2Lemonade. She starts out talking about a book she is currently reading. It's called The Divided Heart...Art and Motherhood. One of the quotes on the back of the book says: "the fear that to succeed at one means to fail at the other". She asks some questions that caused me to stop and reflect.
You can read the whole post here, but these are the questions she asks:
So this Wellness Wednesday is about coming to terms with your greatest personal struggle and putting a plan together to make it "work" in your life. What is your greatest struggle? What do you do to manage it? What do you avoid doing?
I think my greatest personal struggle has always been a fear of not succeeding. A fear of a less than perfect outcome in things which I am not fully confident. I don't want to, but I often find myself second guessing my work.
There are areas in my life where I am perceived to be very confident such as public speaking, singing, sports, entertaining - but it's because I know that I can do well at those areas. It's black and white. You practice, you prepare, you plan - I can do that.
It doesn't hurt that I seem to have a 'some what' natural ability in those areas either. However, if it's something that I'm not comfortable with, I tend to avoid it altogether. I like to stay on the safe side. Don't take a risk! Heaven's no.
I do want to manage this. My previous post entitled "Artist or Crafty" had me questioning my creativity. For a while now, I have been feeling like I am about to burst at the seems. I feel like something is just brewing under the surface. Does that make sense? I think it's because I've been more exposed to so many talented and brilliant women through the world of blogs and such.
I have 4 children ranging from ages 13 down to almost 2. I don't think that being a mother has anything to do with my personal struggle. My family has always been very supportive of what I do and my husband and teenager are always more than willing to hold down the fort to let me escape to my space to create. I think besides being my own worst enemy, my dilemma is that my head is just so cluttered up with every day life. I feel like I need a retreat (not a scrapbooking retreat =]) just to clear my head. I know that I take on too much. I have to learn to say no and learn to cut back the amount of responsibility I take on.
The thing I've been avoiding, I think, is just letting myself BE. I am always busy, always on the go, always hitting the pillow exhausted.
I think I am running from allowing myself time to find that creative and spiritual part of me. Yes, I said spiritual. They go hand-in-hand in my opinion. Regardless of your beliefs, there is a spirituality involved in knowing who you are. For me, it is a belief that God has created me to be creative. He has given me this desire and He wants me to be my best. Ecclesiastes 9:10a~"Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;..."
I struggle with knowing that He also does not want me to have the spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7~"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."), but that's what it is. The fear that I won't be accepted, won't be good enough, ....
I know that I won't be able to "fix" myself in one post. I am learning that this is a journey. I am ready. I want this. I want to be able to create, to feel, to worship, to be me - without worrying what anyone else thinks of it.
My plan to make this work in my life is that I will continue to read - I can't get enough - blogs and books and articles that will encourage me to get to my destination. I also know that on this journey I will have to pause from the reading and stop and DO. I'd like to take time to take some of the online classes that I've read about. There is so much out there. I will also continue to FOCUS and purge and de-clutter areas of my life until I feel that I have that space that is so important in order to flourish.
I am thankful for friends that make me THINK, push me to better myself, encourage me to be honest with myself, bring out the best in me. Thank you ladies! If I've ever left you a comment on your blog - I am talking about you!
1 Thessalonians 5:11~"Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do."