Reflecting on the journey...

My good friend Lee has posted a Wellness Wednesday post over at her blog Lemons2Lemonade. She starts out talking about a book she is currently reading. It's called The Divided Heart...Art and Motherhood. One of the quotes on the back of the book says: "the fear that to succeed at one means to fail at the other". She asks some questions that caused me to stop and reflect.
You can read the whole post here, but these are the questions she asks:

So this Wellness Wednesday is about coming to terms with your greatest personal struggle and putting a plan together to make it "work" in your life. What is your greatest struggle? What do you do to manage it? What do you avoid doing?

I think my greatest personal struggle has always been a fear of not succeeding. A fear of a less than perfect outcome in things which I am not fully confident. I don't want to, but I often find myself second guessing my work.
There are areas in my life where I am perceived to be very confident such as public speaking, singing, sports, entertaining - but it's because I know that I can do well at those areas. It's black and white. You practice, you prepare, you plan - I can do that.
It doesn't hurt that I seem to have a 'some what' natural ability in those areas either. However, if it's something that I'm not comfortable with, I tend to avoid it altogether. I like to stay on the safe side. Don't take a risk! Heaven's no.
I do want to manage this. My previous post entitled "Artist or Crafty" had me questioning my creativity. For a while now, I have been feeling like I am about to burst at the seems. I feel like something is just brewing under the surface. Does that make sense? I think it's because I've been more exposed to so many talented and brilliant women through the world of blogs and such.
I have 4 children ranging from ages 13 down to almost 2. I don't think that being a mother has anything to do with my personal struggle. My family has always been very supportive of what I do and my husband and teenager are always more than willing to hold down the fort to let me escape to my space to create. I think besides being my own worst enemy, my dilemma is that my head is just so cluttered up with every day life. I feel like I need a retreat (not a scrapbooking retreat =]) just to clear my head. I know that I take on too much. I have to learn to say no and learn to cut back the amount of responsibility I take on.
The thing I've been avoiding, I think, is just letting myself BE. I am always busy, always on the go, always hitting the pillow exhausted.
I think I am running from allowing myself time to find that creative and spiritual part of me. Yes, I said spiritual. They go hand-in-hand in my opinion. Regardless of your beliefs, there is a spirituality involved in knowing who you are. For me, it is a belief that God has created me to be creative. He has given me this desire and He wants me to be my best. Ecclesiastes 9:10a~"Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;..."
I struggle with knowing that He also does not want me to have the spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7~"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."), but that's what it is. The fear that I won't be accepted, won't be good enough, ....
I know that I won't be able to "fix" myself in one post. I am learning that this is a journey. I am ready. I want this. I want to be able to create, to feel, to worship, to be me - without worrying what anyone else thinks of it.
My plan to make this work in my life is that I will continue to read - I can't get enough - blogs and books and articles that will encourage me to get to my destination. I also know that on this journey I will have to pause from the reading and stop and DO. I'd like to take time to take some of the online classes that I've read about. There is so much out there. I will also continue to FOCUS and purge and de-clutter areas of my life until I feel that I have that space that is so important in order to flourish.
I am thankful for friends that make me THINK, push me to better myself, encourage me to be honest with myself, bring out the best in me. Thank you ladies! If I've ever left you a comment on your blog - I am talking about you!
1 Thessalonians 5:11~"Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do."

That's the truth!

You know those quotes on the Starbuck's cups called "The Way I See It"? Well, I always read mine and this one really struck a chord with me:

The Way I See It #17
The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no" - the may not be smart enough to say "yes." --Keith Olbermann
Boradcast journalist and host of MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Oberman.

Today, I find BEAUTY in this truth. Think about it. You never know where you'll find something like this that just opens your mind!

Sad times...

Some one I knew passed away yesterday. She was only 20.

The scrapbooking board that I am a member of seemed to have an unusually high amount of bad news on their prayer board. Lots of sickness, deaths, financial troubles...

My car wouldn't start for me to go to a meeting I needed to go to. It was raining and I had all the kids in the car. Would.not.start. My husband came home later and started it right up. Weird. We get ready to go to Youth Group and I make arrangements to meet up with my advisor at a local McDonald's to cover the meeting that I missed earlier in the day. I drop everyone off at Youth Group, go to the meeting (with my baby in tow), get ready to leave - car won't start. I am about to cry at this point, but decide not to, because there is a group of teenagers hanging out directly in front of my car. They were listening to music, smoking, trying thier best to be cool... So I wait for my husband. He gets in and the car starts right up. Weird.

We are on our way home and we see an accident happen - actually did not see it happen, but heard it - on the freeway overpass. We get on the freeway. The rest of the cars are stopped behind us and we see another accident that has just taken place. Police were already there.

We are driving along, when out of nowhere, we see a huge tire coming full speed at our car! My husband can do nothing but let it hit us. It only clipped our bumper and went flying the other direction. Traffic stops in front of us. There was ANOTHER accident. This one was really bad. As we get closer to the scene, I begin to cry. My daughter who is 8 is also crying. You can see by the accident that it must be fatal. There were probably a total of 10 - 12 cars involved in this crash.

I know that things happen. I know that life happens, but sometimes you wonder. What if I had made it to the meeting in the morning? What if I did not have to be at the later meeting therefore putting us on the freeway later than usual? What if my car had started right away allowing us to get on earlier than usual?

The young lady that died was only 20. It looks like it may have been an oversight from a simple case of tonsilitis gone bad. What about her young husband that has a birthday today, but will not be celebrating?

I hugged my children closer. I told them that all of these things may have happened for different reasons, but for us - it should be a reminder. We need to love each other. Quit fighting over things. Be thankful for life and health. Realize that all things happen for a reason, even if we don't always understand why.

I Corinthians 13:12 says For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.