*"In Love with the Sun"...found on Google images.*
I was over at Lee's blog this morning and as most times, came away pondering and searching. However, this time it was different. For some reason, I can't move away from it. From how I feel.
Her post today brought a cry to my throat. You know. The kind that comes up and then gets stuck right there where it makes it hard to swallow? As I followed the link she posted, the cry started to come up - just a bit, as tears welled in my eyes.
I watched video clips and read. Then I cried. Not a big Boo-Hoo, all snotty-nosed and the like, but a quiet, hot tears streaming, coming to realization kind of cry.
I know that I have always been "creative". I've always had an interest in color, music, writing, photography, papers...always. Before the world wide web, I'd flip through books, magazines, drool over works of art, take pictures of things that only I thought were neat. Now that I have the whole world at my finger tips, I can and do surf from page to page and appreciate and crave and long to be and make the kind of art that I see.
I see something as simple as a painted rock with a word of affirmation on it and a story behind it and I think - "Wow. I've been doing that for years. I had no idea that somebody else might appreciate it." Recently, I was going through somebody's gallery and I noticed that there really was no "outward rhyme or reason" to her work and remembered when I had done something similar once and found it later in the garbage and was told that "oh, I thought it was trash..."
I think I let something get crushed. I thought that I was not the type of person that would let adversity or anything like that get in my way, but as I sit and type and ponder, I realize that if it is something that is personal to me - I am very afraid that it would not be good enough and if it can't be perfect, I better avoid it all together. I believe now that I know where it comes from, but even now I don't think I can get into something so raw and personal.
I am very good at following rules. Rules keep you safe. You do what you're told and nobody can blame you if something goes wrong. It's like the first time I started (or thought I was just starting) to scrapbook. I learned to scrap a certain way - at first with strips and triangles and coordinating stickers that were "approved". Oh, and for heaven's sake don't even think of putting that piece of metal on that page, just because you think it's cool. If you are going to put a piece of memorabilia in your album, you better make sure there is a barrier of magic paper around it that can not in any way, shape or form touch your picture. After all, you have no idea where that item has been. LOL
Anyway, I was happy that I had my albums in order and my pictures were "safe", but I still felt like I needed more. More of what? I had no idea. I have since broken away from those rules and now own paints and flowers and beads and...but I still don't really know what to do because I am kind of haunted by the "rules".
I have been fortunate to find blogs and sites where the women are incredibly talented and real. I feel myself so inspired by them. I look at their art, photography, writing and I just want to burst - I know I have it in me. My fear? My fear is that I've buried it away so deep and just stayed safe as a "crafter" and now I can not find the *whisper* artist within me.
I had even vowed earlier this year that I would "just do it". I chickened out. What do I do? How do I take the lid off of this? I feel like it's all been so safely pushed away and the lid screwed on so tightly that I can't even budge it. I literally can feel my chest tightening up and I feel like somethings going to blow. Is that a good thing? Do I just need to let it happen?
A couple verses just came to mind that I can find comfort in. May I share them with you?
Psalm 139:14~"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."
This verse of affirmation tells me that I am very special. I am made in the image of the Master Artist. He made color, shape and shades. Why do I fear?
Proverbs 3:6~"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
I think I need to realize that I am created to be creative. It is in me. I am allowed to feel this way, but more importantly, to act upon my feelings.
Mmmmm....so much to meditate on today.
